Return to the Library"Just a shadow on the wall . . . as you run away from me, run, run and push me down . . ." Kathlynn's hands continued to play over the keys as her voice died out. Her right hand continued the melody she had sung while her left gradually changed from the basic chords it had been playing to ominous, almost desperate ones. Her right hand struck a quick high C-sharp before speeding up the original melody. The C-sharp rang out a few more times, and each time the melody sped up a little more, and became a little louder, sounding almost as if it was trying to grasp something and not quite making it. The melody was gradually changing its notes, setting into a different pattern,--
Both hands came down in a rancid not-note as the shrill ring of the phone broke into Kathlynn's musical world and yanked her back to the real one. She sighed and set to writing down the notes she had been playing while her mother answered the phone. She hummed under her breath as she worked. Why am I so stuck on that next line, she wondered, All the other lines came so easily.
"Kathy? It's for you," Kathlynn's mother called from the kitchen, "It's Stacey."
"She must have gotten my message," Kathlynn mused as she got up from the little upright piano, "It's about time." She picked up the phone and gave the customary "Hello?"
"Hi Kath," a cheerful voice on the other end responded, "Sorry I took so long, but my mom just now gave me the message. What's up?"
"Well, Stace, remember how, a few months ago, my parents were talking about wanting to get a bigger house, and how my dad kept saying he was sick of the job he's at now, and his boss, and . . . stuff . . . remember?"
"Yeah. Why? Did he find another job?"
"Not exactly another one--he got transferred."
"That's still good, right? I mean, that gets rid of his boss and stuff, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, but he got transferred to another city."
"Bummer. That means he's gonna hafta get up real early and commute like my dad, huh?"
"Not exactly. You remember my parents complaining about how small this house is and everything, right?"
"Yeah . . ."
"Well," Kathlynn shifted the phone from one ear to the other, "we're going to be moving there."
Kathlynn listened to the silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds.
"If my dad turns this down, he could be stuck where he is for years," she started to recite the reasons her parents gave her, "and anyway, we have some family over there who's going to be living with us, and the house is a lot bigger than the one we have."
"What about school?" Stacey finally said.
"My mom looked into the high school over there, and she said she really liked it. She said it looked really good--"
"That's not what I meant," Stacey said icily.
Kathlynn waited a moment, and when her friend didn't clarify herself, said "I don't understand, Stace. What do you mean?"
"Have you really forgotten, or are you just pretending you never said it?"
"Said what? You're not making any sense."
"Don't you remember? You said we would graduate together, and have a big party because we were finally adults, then we would go to college together. We agreed to it, Kath. Don't you remember?"
"What?" Kathlynn thought back, "Stace, that was years ago. Before we even started high school. And anyway, I have no control over this. It's not like I would want to leave."
"Yeah, well, I have to go. My mom has to use the phone," she said, a little too quickly.
"Yeah, okay. Call me back later or something, all right?"
"Yeah, whatever. 'Bye."
"'Bye," Kathlynn said, just before she heard the "click" of a phone being hung up.
Kathlynn took a pile of clothes out of her dresser and added them to the ones already in the box to her right. Why is Stacey acting so weird? she thought. She knew we had been planning to move for a while now. Why's she acting so strange now? She deposited another pile of clothes to the box. What does she think is going to happen? That I'll snub her now that we're not in the same neighborhood or something? The pile of clothes in her hands dropped into her lap. That can't be it. Can it? How could she think . . . I would think she'd know . . . but she's acting so weird . . . I would never turn on her just because we're not living near each other . . . But what if I gave her that impression? But what could I have done to make her think that.? This can't have come out of nowhere . . . But what did I do? She dumped the clothes into the box and stood up. I have to call her.
Kathlynn hurried out of her room and into the kitchen. Picking up the phone, she quickly dialed her friend's number from memory. I doubt her mom really had to use the phone, she thought as she listened to the rings, but why did want to hang up on me like that? This just isn't making any sense. I hope she doesn't hang up on me this time. C'mon, pick up the phone! Somebody--
"Hello?" Stacey's voice interrupted thoughts.
"Stace?"
"Oh. Hi, Kathlynn."
Stacey never uses my full name. "Stace, I don't get it. What's wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do I mean? You're acting totally bizarre."
"No I'm not."
Well, what do you call hanging up on me? "Listen, do you understand why we're moving?"
"Because your dad got a job and he's too lazy to commute."
"No! I mean, yes, but he's not lazy. It would be over an hour each way."
Kathlynn could almost see her friend shrugging in the silence that followed.
"But that's not the point. And there are other reasons, too. I told you. And you knew we had been planning to move for a while. It's not like it came up out of nowhere."
"Uh, sure. But you're not even waiting until you graduate. There is only one year left. You just want to get away of here."
"It's not like I want to move! And why--"
"Well it sure looks like it."
What? I don't believe it. She really thinks I'm purposely abandoning her. "Stace, what gives? Just because I'm moving doesn't mean we can't still be friends. We've been friends since sixth grade."
"Maybe we're just not good enough for you any more."
We?
"Maybe that's the real reason you're moving. I figured it out. You don't think we're good enough for you."
"What? Where--"
"We're not gonna stay friends. Maybe at first, sure, until you make better friends there. One's that are good enough for you."
"Stacey! What is all this 'good enough' business? I don't think that! How could you think I think that? I don't think I'm better than anyone! And of course we'll stay friends. Why wouldn't we?"
"Have you ever had anyone move away? You may not think you're better now, but you will. People who move away always do. Why else did all my other friends stop writing? I thought you were different, Kathlynn. I really did."
"But--"
"Why don't you save yourself the trouble and end it now."
"Stace!"
"Goodbye, Kathlynn."
Kathlynn slowly hung up the phone. The dial tone sounded harsh to her ears. "Goodbye Stacey. I thought you were different, too. I didn't think you were like this."
Kathlynn sat down at her family's little upright piano. She turned to the sheet of paper where she was recording the words to her latest song and wrote, with an occasional salty drop making a wet circle on the page . . .
Just a shadow on the wall
As you run away from me
Run and push me down
Don't push me away
Don't turn your head from me
I never wanted it to be like this
Just give me a chance
And hear what I have to say
Don't push me away
Can't you see I'm still here?
Can't you see you're the one who's gone?
You'll never stop and turn around
You're gone for good, and I'm sorry
Sorry you pushed me away
Your shadow on the wall
As you ran away . . .